I love the saying “fly by the seat of your pants” because it makes me wonder what series of events occurred to make that an actual saying. The mental imagery is amazing.



so i. was in. the bathroom and. i put lotion. on my hands. and then i tried. to leave. the bathroom and. slippery doornoob. not open. i had much struggle. autocorrect is. telling me i. do a bad job. at spell. but i still require. doornoob assistance. help please.

Blue-toothed Devices

Me: *trying to connect phone to Bluetooth speaker*

Speaker: *refusing to work*

Phone: *refusing to connect*

Me: *turns Bluetooth off and on*

Speaker: *standby noise* ight mate ‘m ready to go

Phone: *still refusing to connect*

Me: Why won’t you connect?

Phone: * “Scanning for nearby Bluetooth device” *

Me: *literally standing right next to speaker*

Phone: * “Scan failed” *

Me: You’re thinking too hard darling. You need to stop

Phone: *connects*

Phone: oh sorry love wasn’t quite sure there, but now am

Speaker: *chipper little “connected” noise*

Speaker: ’bout time you numpty

On a Scale of One to Ten

Me: *at the doctor’s*

Nurse: *reads my shirt, which says “I’m Not Lazy, I Just Really Enjoy Doing Nothing” *

Nurse: i like that

Me: thanks

Nurse: *asks me to get up on the weighing scale*

Me: you’re about to see why I got this shirt

Nurse: *laughs*

Beauty and the Bread (pt. 2)

Sister: *singing ‘Gaston‘ from “Beauty and the Beast” *

Sister: Who plays darts like Gaston?

Sister: Who breaks hearts like Gaston?

Sister: Who’s much more than the sum of his parts like Gaston?

Me: *deep, melodious voice* AS A SPECIMEN, YES, I’M INTIMIDATING!


Me: that was actually really good

Sister: yeah actually it was


Sister: no kidding