Blue-toothed Devices

Me: *trying to connect phone to Bluetooth speaker*

Speaker: *refusing to work*

Phone: *refusing to connect*

Me: *turns Bluetooth off and on*

Speaker: *standby noise* ight mate ‘m ready to go

Phone: *still refusing to connect*

Me: Why won’t you connect?

Phone: * “Scanning for nearby Bluetooth device” *

Me: *literally standing right next to speaker*

Phone: * “Scan failed” *

Me: You’re thinking too hard darling. You need to stop

Phone: *connects*

Phone: oh sorry love wasn’t quite sure there, but now am

Speaker: *chipper little “connected” noise*

Speaker: ’bout time you numpty

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On a Scale of One to Ten

Me: *at the doctor’s*

Nurse: *reads my shirt, which says “I’m Not Lazy, I Just Really Enjoy Doing Nothing” *

Nurse: i like that

Me: thanks

Nurse: *asks me to get up on the weighing scale*

Me: you’re about to see why I got this shirt

Nurse: *laughs*

Beauty and the Bread (pt. 2)

Sister: *singing ‘Gaston‘ from “Beauty and the Beast” *

Sister: Who plays darts like Gaston?

Sister: Who breaks hearts like Gaston?

Sister: Who’s much more than the sum of his parts like Gaston?

Me: *deep, melodious voice* AS A SPECIMEN, YES, I’M INTIMIDATING!

Sister:

Me: that was actually really good

Sister: yeah actually it was

Me: WHO’S OUSTED IN SINGING JUST LIKE GASTON?

Sister: no kidding

Regular Cycle

Me: *gets an idea for a post*

Me: *super pumped* *writes it out and gets ready to publish it*

Me: *rereads post*

Me: *suddenly unsure about quality of the post*

Me: *tries to rewrite it and make it better*

Me: *still not satisfied*

Me: *doesn’t post*